Is it me?
Dormant trees burning red, set a light by the golden sun. Sea of grass tickled by the wind. Dusk illuminating highways constructed by spiders. The cold air burns my hands but soothes my soul.
Pacing, I wonder: is it me?
I am attached, pulled, yearning. I am tormented with the eternal circle of questions. I hadn’t encountered it for a while. That isn’t surprising considering I’ve been avoiding getting close to someone, to anyone.
Scared and unnerved create the perfect conditions for serpent like thoughts to slither in. Was I too vulnerable? Too quick? Too intense? Too honest?
There are two predominant physical sensations which represent these thoughts. An invisible strangling; a foot being pressed against my throat. And a tornado in the pit of my stomach swallowing and spitting out anything that comes in its path. Utter destruction.
Two irrational fears: not knowing and being left. Trouble comes because all knowledge can put into question. All knowing can be unknown. And being left isn’t something I can control.
I know it is irrational. I know that in an unnerved state I have unravelled knowledge like a ball of yarn dragged around a room by a kitten. Knowing becomes unknown. I know that nothing external has changed. Yet the world seems upside down.
Since I know it isn’t me or the circumstances, as I recognised the familiar faces of these questions rearing their ugly heads, how do I proceed?
At first, I asked myself: how can I make it stop?
I remembered. I have difficulty with this. This is normal. It is normal because you’ve been hurt. It is normal because you are taking risks. I don’t know and I won’t know and there is a very high chance that I will be left. I might also leave.
The serpents will come. They will soon slither away, if left to their own devices, hissing as they meander into long grass. They are only lethal if you resist them. They’ll only torment you if you get in their way.
The serpents are a sign. They are a sign of the courageous acts of vulnerability, trust, and honesty that we take. Accompanying each of these acts are risks and risks, gaps of the unknown, leave room for fear.
Fear, then, is simply a reaction to uncertainty. The remedy for uncertainty is time. Bite your tongue and the drink the cold air in until the seconds ease onto beareableness.
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